hello.. is anybody.. there?

Sometimes i feel so alone.. why? i have no one to talk to.. i have all the time in the world but i have no time to share..

Sometimes i feel myself talking.. speaking so loudly.. dying for attention.. as if.. trying to scream for attention.. someone to rescue me from this prison because i dont sseeem to have the heart to take action.. sometimes i feel like expossing my life.. and letting everyone disect me... then maybe i can be free.. but the thought of everyone knowing me.. is yet another prison and a freedom...

So many things about me.. so many things.. i hide.. deepest thoughts.. darkest imaginations.. i am starting to find myself call it... home.. sometimes i'd rather be there than face my weak self in my unforgivable reality..

How i've allowed this to occur once more is like comedy.. but the kind opf comedy where one speaks to oneself in a corner.. laughing.. at the parody of ones life.. then finding their wicked smile slowly turn into an incredible break down where the physical world is being thrown all over the walls and finding itself on the floor with it's dreamer.. smiles are far and tears flood the hands and.. how did i ever trust myself to care? to "love"another... fucker..... another... masked shadow.. another one to make me hate myself more everyday i wake.. is like a day dream.. i know i'm faking my feelings.. i know i am not happy.. i am not satisfied.. but i want to be.. and i feel myself giving in... almos as if.. a sailor... being swayed by the mermaids..  he knows.. there is something strange but he cannot... escape... the greed of the song she sings...

i know.. i know.. it.. i feel my body and mind in defeat but i fake my emotions.. because i am ashamed of myself.. because i'm wont face the fact that i've allowed myself to take in another stray soul.. my weak heart.. my weak mind.. my stupid fucking trusting way..... even as i write this pathetic excuse.. i will once again stand from this computer and my reality will once again turn into a show.. i've put my face paintings on.. i hear the crowd accumulate.. i see my face in the mirror.. and i see all the things that i am.. and i hate myself for it.. but the demand is larger than myself.. the crowd is starting to fill the ophra theather.. soon the surrounding changes it's shapes.. i find myself.. fading away... the show must go on..

I do what i can.. i give it all... to come home to you
There were nights you wouldn't come home as early as usual.. a kiss on yur lips is where the answer lies...

So when I come home with lips stained alcohol.. you act like i done something wrong...so you push me away and give me your lame excuse... It's more often now.. more and more you act like you can just push me away and then say sorry... maybe you dont care... maybe i shouldnt anymore

I cant help my feelings.. i cant help but love you.. i can't help but let you... treat me like you do... I cant help to lay with you.. i cant help but try to fuck you.. i cant help but cry... when you make the same reason not be touched by me.

If you really dont want me... and dare treat me like this.. why do you keep me?  Maybe you're looking for a friend.. and not a woman to be with.... I'vve tried... in everyway i can.. but I'm a woman in need... I'm such a fool... You dont understand and it kills me... Like you said i have no one.. i have nothing... I'll leave like last time... and I'll be just fine.. but do keep in mind.. how much I've given you.. how many fights I've gotten into just to stay with you... It's sad really... because we aren't ment to be... and blindly i say we are.. because i want us to be.. we cant be.. when one is the only one trying to amke it work.. do you think we would've stayed together for as long as we did if i hadn't tried oo hard to be together?  do you think you could've have worked harder to put an effort to this weight i carry now?  Sometimes.. i just wanna give up on you.. but i can't.. i just can't... maybe I'm putting the weight on myself.. you'll do better without me.. Maybe I'm the weight on your shoulder.. maybe...

I tried to be understanding.. to your depression.. but where am i left? alone.. and angry... heh... and if only you'd fuck me... this would be such a problem.. but would i wanna fuck you if you're not into it? you know wat.. i just wont give you me.. you dont deserve me...

At times i feel followed at times i feel i am possessed.. at times i feel my innner self is haunting my thoughts and i times i feel I'm just point blank dead.. maybe the reality is just my dream and my dreams are my reality.. maybe.. when i dream it's too close to home.. when i wake up back to my reality..to dream and be away from nightmares.. maybe...

I see my pain.. i feel it all...

Sometimes i feel soo alone.. only walking behind your shadows.. to leave a trail of bloody tears.. only to please you in any way i can.. when you wave your hand do i not try and calm down to leave you alone.. ands when you touch my body do i not melt before you like a slave?  When you kiss my lips.. i cry because i know i will do anything for you...I'm like a personal robot waiting fopr yur demands.. demands unvoiced... I dont need to hear it.. your actions show it...

Other times.. i wouldah looked for a different eye to look at.. but I've started cleansed with you.. now you control me soo much that i have nothing if i dont have you.. dont worry you are not to blame for my insanity... i am to blame... I'm always to blame... my scars remind me of that every time i look in the shadows.. i see the trail of scars....neglect me...

You want me and you got me.. you want space.. and unwillingly i give it to you.. but why do you try to come close to me after pushing me away? i dont understand.. i want to be human... why do you play with me? I will stare into the darkness now.. you've showed me that once again i am nothing but a cold puppet... on strings... the very thing i thought you'd never do to me..  I love you.. i will never leave you... but i must hold on to a single string of my small control... do you like making me your puppet? do you like how you're making me feel... I've warned you.. I've told you with pleading tears on my eyes... dont do this to me.. i have feelings too.. you cant just push me away when you want and expect me to lay by you like my feelings arent hurt... please dont do this to me... You know how much i love you.. so why are you doing this to me?  I dont think you understand how this is affecting me... but i wont say a damn thing... because i love you... i wont speak again... only in words you might be curious of... If you read this.. you can either turn your head away like you usually do or you can change for me.. the only you can do for the hurt I;'ve been feeling... i found a new trail of discovery.. I'm a puppet... you have control over me... i dont have to be this way.. if only you will treat me like the woman you first fell in love with and not the woman that deeply will do anything for you... I dont want you to leave me... just treat me right... thats all i ask for... i do little things for you.. if you can see it... and i am sure you do small things for me... but emotionally dont fuck me... because it hurts... it really hurts.. I've changed soo much to not be treated like a puppet anymore because i believe you see my worth.. but now i see you have lost that for me..i have no worth... you can say i am soo conssumed with this slef-inflicted thought that you dont care for me.. but maybe you can see why i think this way... maybe... maybe not.... but i love you i i will never leave you....

So here i sit with words of wisdom from elders and young ones
With decisions capturing a posibility of pain and suffering
What i forsee horrifies me, what i want to believe settles me
But not enough to not show through my saddened mind.

What am I about to face this time? what am i about to suffer from?
I dont know i can only try and assume how thing will provide
using my knowledge of time and time observing yur actions
Given situations some reoccuring.how will i survive?

Cold hearted meets over sensitive.. where compromise will take place
At times more is taken than given and more is given than taken in...
thought that maybe yur side needs more realizing
That I tried so hard and as i see it I am about to step into a black hole knowing

That I will Fail... but my heart internally bled for which you've yet to pay
If you havent noticed I'm a vindictive poet who will get her revenge
BUt a story i once wrote reminds me not to be drown in evil thoughts
For i will only find myself fallen
BLAH.....